Don’t Be That Customer: Part 2

Read Part 1 here!

Part 2 of 2

Don’t be the customer who doesn’t order their drink extra hot if you actually want your drink to scald your throat; make sure you tell your barista before they make your drink. We can’t reheat your drink on our steam wand (health code violation), and I’m PRETTY certain it’s a health code violation to reheat it in the microwave. So if you forget to ask for it extra hot, please just let us make you a new one. Asking us to warm it up for you puts us in a really awkward position because we’ll have to say no, and telling a customer no goes against everything the service industry has taught us.

Image 20170710 132133Customer: Can you reheat this drink for me? It’s not hot enough.

Barista: I can make you a new one!

C: No, I just want THIS one, reheated.

B: Unfortunately, I can’t do that for you, but I can make you a new one!

C: No. Heat it up with that heat stick thing. I know you can do that. I used to own a coffee shop, and we did it all the time.

B: Since your drink has already been sipped out of, it is against health code for us to reheat it using our steam wand.

C: Well what about your microwave?

B: It’s kind of the same thing; since we microwave our customers’ foods in there, we can’t microwave drinks that have already been drank from.

C: …*sigh* Okay. This is fine.

ALTERNATE ENDING

C: …

B: I can make you a new one though.

C:  Fine.

 

Image 20170710 075334Please understand that a “cappuccino” does have foam, therefore you actually cannot order a cappuccino with no foam. What you’re actually looking for is a latte.

Customer: Can I get a cappuccino with no foam?

Barista: Okay! But a cappuccino is generally made up of one third foam.

C: I don’t want foam.

B: Okay, so would you like a latte?

C: No I want a cappuccino with no foam.

B: …okay.

Also, cappuccinos don’t come from a gas station or from a powder. I don’t even know how they got away with calling it that.

Customer: Can I get a french vanilla cappuccino?

Barista: Are you wanting a cappuccino with foam, or a cappuccino like a gas station cappuccino?

C: Gas station!

B: *LaughingToMyselfQuietly* Okay.

*Sidenote: The “french vanilla” is a dead giveaway that you usually get your coffee at a gas station.

 

And on the topic of cappuccinos, (I personally just really hate foam. I even hate the word foam. I hate writing the word foam. It’s worse than “nails on a blackboard.” SENDS SHIVERS DOWN MY SPINE, PEOPLE!) I just don’t understand the point of bone dry / desert dry cappuccinos.

Image 20170710 075509

Don’t order a unique drink that you got from somewhere on vacation; we probably don’t have it, and we probably don’t know how to make it.

Image 20170710 135456

Customer: Yeah, I was in Palm Springs once, and I got this “Flooty Cubano Hurricane Mixer Shake Frappuccino,” but it had coffee in it. Do you know how to make that?

B: Uhhhh… do you know what was in it?

C: I think it was like, espresso, and chocolate, and pineapple, and a lock of hair from your first born child.

B: Oh! Yeah! I actually don’t have kids… so…

 

Speaking of kids… This is a sensitive topic, we know. We love your little ones too, and we love seeing them and watching them grow up in our shops. We love talking to them and listening to their stories. We love making them feel special. We also understand that sometimes they can’t control how they express their emotions, and THAT’S OKAY. But what isn’t okay is kiddos climbing all over the sofas, racing across the shop, or army crawling underneath the tables. Please bring something for them to entertain themselves with.

Image 20170710 132218Customer/Guardian: *Enjoying time with a friend*

Child: *Playing nicely*

Barista: *Making coffee*

Child: *BLOOD CURLING SCREAM*

Barista: *Shits their pants out of fear*

Customer/Guardian: *Continues enjoying time with friend*

Child: *Runs across the building yelling and chopping at customers ankles with a 2×4* (How do they always find things to terrorize people with?!)

Barista: *Looks at guardian of child desperately*

Customer/Guardian: *Continues enjoying time with friend*

Other Customers: *Start to pack their things and leave*

Child: *Murders someone*

Barista: *Crying*

Customer/Guardian: *Continues enjoying time with friend*

Don’t be the customer who asks for a plain black tea but refuses to specify which kind of black tea they want. It’s 2017 – I don’t even know what “plain black tea” is. We have THIRD WAVE WATER for crying out loud. “Plain black tea” went extinct when Edison bulbs became a thing.

“I don’t know! Just plain black tea!” – said every older person to ever order black tea ever.

If you order black coffee, expect it to come with “bubbles” on top. It’s not foam. It’s bubbles. They will pop. In some cultures, the bubbles on your black coffee are considered good luck, and people drink them first!

E3573165-93B9-461E-B801-D6FF32FA7BF4

Customer: Can I get a black coffee with NO foam?

Barista 1: *Looks at other baristas* …What is she talking about?

Barista 2: Black coffee doesn’t have foam on it… I don’t know just give her a black coffee.

B1: *Serves a black coffee*

C: There’s foam on this! I said no foam. Scoop them off, now!

B1 & B2: Ohhhh…..

Image 20170710 132338Don’t wait an hour to order your drink. That, again, puts your barista in an uncomfortable position because we’re not supposed to let people loiter. Just order a black coffee or tea if you have to wait a while for someone to get there.

 

Image 20170710 132040Not all baristas choose to be a barista as a college job. For some of us, it’s literally our career. YEAH, we make coffee for a living, and we LOVE it! So don’t be condescending towards us when we share with you that this is our passion, and we’re in our ideal career field.

Customer: So what do you want to do with your life?

Barista: Actually, I want to be a barista! I’m already in my field and living the dream!

C: …Seriously? You need to set higher standards for yourself.

B: Oh…

Image 20170710 132358SHOUT OUT TO THE OLDER WOMEN IN BACK; latte art does not come from a stencil. Not all baristas are trained or skilled enough to do latte art. Latte art is a skill. It is an art. It takes years of practice. And it breaks our little hearts when we try really hard on a piece, and you don’t even take a second to look at it before you stir your sugar into it.

Customer: Oh my goodness! Look at that! It’s beautiful! How did you do it? Where is your stencil?!

Barista: Oh thank you! There isn’t a stencil though, I made it myself.

C: Oh nonsense! Where did you get your stencil?

B: Hobby Lobby. Aisle B12 on the second floor in the basement. Third shelf on the reft. $101.383.

Also, latte art is hella hard to do with skim milk and almond milk, and it’s nearly impossible to do with coconut milk. (There are a FEW select brands that are specially designed for baristas to do latte art with, but they’re expensive, and not every coffee shop has them.)

Image 20170710 132422

Okay this is just a personal pet peeve of mine, but please, for my sanity, stop saying you “just NEED your COFFEE in the morning” as you giggle with your gal pals when you’re just ordering a large plain chai. For the record, chai is made from tea. Let me say it one more time for the people in the back, CHAI IS MADE FROM TEA. Sorry, I KNOW that’s condescending, but man that really annoys me.Image 20170710 132502

(Honestly, I think people say this because they think people around them are judging them for ordering a large. Which I totally understand! But none of your friends are paying attention to what you’re ordering, Judy. They’re trying to recite what they want over and over in their minds so they don’t stumble over their words when it’s their turn to order.)

Contrary to public opinion, baristas are actually real people with real feelings. Sorry to break the news to you. Please don’t stomp on our feelings, and we’ll try not to stomp on yours. Sometimes our customers come in having already had a bad day, and they’re a little mean (or a lot mean). We understand that life happens, and it’s okay if you’re not in a chipper mood when you come in. Just remember that baristas are individuals who may also have had a bad day before you arrived. I guess what I’m getting at is that a little compassion goes a long way (on both of our parts).

Image 20170710 132533Literally the smallest act of someone looking me in the eye as they talk to me has salvaged a shitty day before.

Yeah, that sounds kind of pathetic, but sometimes that’s how small people make us feel. So small that looking us in the eye when you order your drink makes us feel human again.

 

Not all baristas are assholes, and not all baristas are the same. Some of us are nice, some of us are mean, some of us like country music, some of us like death metal. Some of us are active and fit, and some of us really believe “Netflix and Chill” with our sofa is a way of life. Some of us are Christian, some of us are Jewish, some of us are Jehova’s Witnesses, some of us are Atheist, and some of us aren’t sure yet. Some of us are really interested in cars, while others really like to play pool. Some of us are just here for the tips.
But some of us are here because this is the only place we feel at home.

One thought on “Don’t Be That Customer: Part 2

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