I used to write, back when I used to understand myself a little bit better. I had this full grasp on who I was and what I believed in. Now it’s like I don’t even recognize my own thoughts. I used to be a photographer and a cake decorator. But I haven’t picked up my camera or a whisk in years. I used to be a damn good artist too. I truly believed that. I thought I was the shit. Now I see a project and I’m like, “Yeah I’ll get that done. NBD.” And I’m trying to figure out when I stopped being a big deal.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not interested in being someone who thinks they’re the hottest piece to ever live, but I used to have some value. I used to think I had talent, and I was excited about that. Now my so-called “talent” feels minuscule to the rest of my life. But the rest of my life has started to feel minuscule in comparison to my own goals.
I know growing up is supposed to be hard… well let me rephrase that. I understand growing up is supposed to be hard. I just can’t figure out when that is supposed to happen. I go through difficult times. I have obstacles just like everyone else. But moving away from home was never hard. Breaking off my 2 year engagement to my boyfriend of 4 years was never hard. Going to and dropping out of college was never hard. Getting my dream job wasn’t hard. Becoming successful wasn’t hard.
And it’s not that I’m ungrateful for any of that. I know I’m beyond blessed to have come this far. I supposed I just haven’t felt passionate about anything in a long time. I’m trying to find my way back to that passion. I’m trying to find my way back to being excited about myself. I used to live by inspirational quotes, and it was almost impossible to upset me because whatever zen shit I had going on was impenetrable. I’m trying to find a way to bring back the flavor, the humor, and the fun of who I was when I knew who I was.
I can’t tell if I’ve become completely desensitized to trauma, or if this is what growing up feels like. I don’t know. So maybe this is my quarter life crisis. Maybe I’m trying to go back to who I was, or maybe I’m trying to build an even better version of who I am now. All I do know is that I don’t know anything anymore. Everything is different now. I’m different now. And I have to build the rest of my life off of that. So here comes Ashi 5.0. The Married Barista.